Monday, September 28, 2009

How my parents say these words

yellow - yella
oil - ole
here - ear
that - at
hungry - hongry
floor - flowah
what - whut
prize - priiize
dealership - dealaship
working - wurkin
going - gone
tomorrow - morra
atlanta - lana
band - bayund
boy - bawey
thing - thaang
theater - theatuh
michael jackson - mikuh jicksun
erase - race
cat - cayut
reflection - flecshun
pool - poo
diving board - ivin bore
president - resident
florida - flawda
man - mayun
jelly - ellie
breakfast - wreck fuss
dang - dang

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Mr. C

Mr. C is in his forties and has a middle management position at Vartan & Co., a company that prepares computers for software updates. He wakes up every morning at six o’clock a.m. and hits snooze twice before getting out of bed. He scratches his belly as he yawns on the way to the bathroom. He looks in the mirror and sighs, as he is a little balder today than yesterday. The familiar smell of fresh coffee from his automatic coffeemaker infiltrates his nostrils as he decides what Land’s End button-down shirt to wear today. One of the shirts looks a little more dingy than the rest, and he goes over in his mind how much it will cost to get a new one. He shrugs it off and puts on one of the cleaner looking shirts. He makes it to the driveway and gets in his Lexus, the nicest thing he owns. He looks at his car’s clock to see that it says seven a.m. He subconsciously wonders how many times he’s seen this. He gets to work and says a half-assed “Good morning” under his breath to the overweight unattractive secretary. After booting up his computer, he heads to the break room for his second cup of coffee for the morning. This will be the highlight of his morning. Later in the afternoon, he might return for another cup of coffee if the day is dragging particularly slow. The coffeemaker in his office has been there for as long as he can remember and has served him flawlessly for years. Along with the trusty water cooler, pencil sharpener and toilet paper dispenser it is one of the office staples that helps to make his workdays more satisfactory. After work, Mr. C goes home where his wife is playing on Facebook. She greets him while still staring at the screen with a curious grin on her face. He asks her is she has heard anything from the plumber who is supposed to come fix a small leak in their guest bathroom. She says that hasn’t heard anything. He becomes slightly irked and debates whether to call the plumber now or give it one more day to see if they call or come by.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


yesterday my sister got engaged. so now she will be getting married at some point. she showed me her ring. i briefly glanced at it and make some sort of a grunting noise. then i fixated my eyes back to the maury show i had been watching on tv.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Today I went to school and Judy called me out again for not having my student i.d. She's like this policeman that keeps fake arresting me.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

For one

I get sort of exited when I can buy a good "meal for one" type thing at the grocery store, but at the same time it subtly reminds me that I have no one.


Been going through the Doritos hotel 626 thing. It's cool, in-depth, fun, weird yada yada yada. Kinda scary.

It has nothing to do with Doritos, or their resurrecting 2 old flavors or whatever the supposed relevancy is.

That's fine. I could care less. It shows direct benefits and relevancy don't always matter. Not to say those things are inarguably important.

So if you want to try and sell marshmallows by having an online "how long can you virtually hold your breath under water" game thing, go for it. Could work.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


Today I didn't shower. I can smell myself. A hint of BO mixed with some deodorant I put on yesterday or the day before that. I kind of like it. I kind of like to stink. It makes me feel like an animal.

Sunday, July 19, 2009


I don't eat right so I take all these vitamins. Sometimes I wonder if it's just BS. I ration this for people and animals who live a long time and don't scarf down pills everyday. Currently I take a multivitamin, B12, Calcium, and Fish Oil. I take this with a hope that they are good for me. It's never been proven they are, just scientific suggestions and shit. The FDA hasn't approved any of it to diagnose, prevent, or cure any disease. I hate swallowing the massive pills. But I probably won't stop for that "what if they ARE good for you?" thing that might be true. Who knows. Wow this blog post sucks.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Rufus' Bath

My boss Beth called me today with strict orders to come bathe Rufus after class. So I went over there. I didn't see her. She was at the pool. I spied Rufus on the couch. I knew I must capture him. I went over there and hoisted him up. I noticed he as gained weight, I whispered "Found a few crumbs did you, you little fat loser?" into his ear as I removed his collar. He knew something was up. His plump body got all tense as I carried him to the bath tub. He jerked a little in my arms when he realized the inevitable. I turned the water on. Tested the temp with my hand. Just right. I soaked him. The black fleas surfaced and dirt washed away from him. I smothered him with dog shampoo. The bath lasted maybe 8 minutes. I then took him for a walk so he could shake and dry off. I walked him around. Then he shit. I didn't have a plastic bag on me to pick it up so I just left it. 3 strangers saw this. I could almost guarantee you they think I suck because of this.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Stupid Candle

Last time I was at CVS I bought a candle.  It is called "Fresh Cotten".  It smells ok.  Or smelled Ok.  Now its worthless.  The wick is too short and won't stay lit, yet there is over half the wax left.  I tried carving out a little hole to get to more of the wick.  It doesn't work.  It makes me so mad I want to strike something.  Worthless candle.

Monday, July 13, 2009

first blog

This is my first blog. No one will read it or any subsequent blogs after this because nobody likes me. However I will continue to write. Today I woke up after little sleep and scurried to Chick Fil A where I felt sorry for myself waiting in the drive thru to order a biscuit. I got a pathetic fruit cup to go with it once I finally got up to the speaker box to order.  Then I drove to the nearest gas station. As my car filled up with gas, I sat in the car nibbling on my pathetic meal. I dreaded going to school which was my next destination. I got to my 9:30 class on time. Everyone was chipper and talkative all around me, holding coffee cups and looking freshly showered. I hid in the corner with my head down, praying no one would talk to me. Every now and then someone would laugh a little louder than normal, this gave me the desire to strike them. But I knew if I did that I would be restrained and a big to-do would be made of the whole situation. So I did nothing.