Tuesday, December 28, 2010

christmas cards

"...but it was the seasonal exchange of paper bearing images of children, pets and families clad in white shirts and jeans that had the aliens most perplexed."

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I love me some _______!

I love me some pizza!
I love me some Dexter. . .
I love me some Spice Girls.

What the hell does this mean, this "I love me some_____"? Do I even have to say it, that it makes no sense grammatically or otherwise? I could usually care less if something makes sense grammatically, but this is done on purpose for cutesys sake. I know it is. And that's the kicker. Twisting up common words and phrases and sounding silly cute? I thought you guys hated Bush and Palin. In every example of this, the 'me some' part can go. Such as:

I love pizza!
I love Dexter. . .
I love Spice Girls.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


". . .directionless after hearing from Santa that her services would no longer be needed, the reindeer pondered going back to school for an M.B.A."

Saturday, December 11, 2010

a case against birthday cake

birthday cake is such a fail on so many levels. i don't even know if my fingers will last typing them all out.

  • it's a big cheap dessert for several people. and basically pointless and gross.
  • "let's celebrate the most meaningful day of our personal lives with...baked flour and sugar with candles on top to spit on." sick me out.
  • these assholes. . .they're everywhere when a birthday cake makes an appearance. "Would you like a slice?" ...this is what they ask you. It's bullshit. Don't buy it? Say no next time you're offered a slice of birthday cake. go ahead. say no. say it as nicely as you can. offer the most seemingly acceptable excuse you can think of. see what happens.
  • try asking for "just a small slice." see what happens then. ok i'll tell you what happens. you get a bigger slice just for saying that as punishment.
  • birthday cakes are very popular amongst, say, five year olds. and you celebrate your 50th birthday the same way? with a cake from the grocery store featuring an image of one of your often-neglected hobbies printed on the front with neon food ink?
  • the obligation to sing happy birthday before consumption. no further explanation needed for this one.
  • the bullshit premise that you're supposed to act excited when a birthday cake makes an appearance. "yay hooray a gross cake topped with gross icing!!"
  • the asking of "who wants a piece of cake??!!" as if it's a viable option to say no.
  • 90% of the time the cake is the equivalent of a huge cheap donut from the worst grocery store in the worst part of town you live in.
  • the obligation. you feel like you have to eat a slice, of this crap, because someone is shoving a 1/4 lb. piece in front of your face and acting like they're hooking you up. but in fact they're doing the opposite. they're screwing you over. now you either have to eat the whole gross piece of cake or sketchily sneak off and throw it away.
  • ask yourself. be honest. have you ever. EVER. been like "damn i can't WAIT for a huge slice of birthday cake." if u have, uh, nevermind.
  • the ritual asking of "did everyone get a piece??" at the end. so if you thought you we're weaseling your way into not eating any, forget it. you always get called out. always.

Friday, December 10, 2010

disgraced ______

whatever your profession, the goal should be to not wind up being know as "disgraced (insert name of profession)."

mainly it's in case you ever wind up in any kind of news.

"Disgraced postal worker John Smith announced Tuesday that he is now a vegetarian."

"Disgraced pastry chef John Smith declares he has made his last eclair."

"Disgraced Senator John Smith arrested for shoplifting at Big Lots."

"Disgraced taxicab driver John Smith admits ties to Burger King."

"Disgraced policeman John Smith punches his own butt crack."

"Disgraced teacher John Smith continues to be married to his wife despite a recent argument about crab cakes."

"Disgraced quarterback John Smith seen eating at Arby's."

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

pardon my french

or rather, 'i'm sorry i just cussed.' and what, is the french language entirely made up of cuss words? and when the french cuss, are they like 'pardon my english?'

Monday, December 6, 2010

way back when

Once upon a time. . .

At some point at some job I had somewhere, a several girls at work had a version of this conversation:

"So there was this guy that used to work here. I mean he was like SUCH an asshole. You wouldn't believe it. . .I mean he was such a dick."

I said, "What did he do?"

Response: "He like, slept with all the girls at this office. I mean like, he didn't even care. Such an asshole."

After brief pondering, I came to the conclusion that I don't have the option to be that asshole.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

reflex responses

if i had to give you an answer now, like without thinking, like 'gimme an answer now bitch or i'm gonna hit you!', i'd say my favorite seinfeld is the one where kramer keeps putting his clothes in jerry's oven on 325 degrees.