Saturday, December 11, 2010

a case against birthday cake

birthday cake is such a fail on so many levels. i don't even know if my fingers will last typing them all out.

  • it's a big cheap dessert for several people. and basically pointless and gross.
  • "let's celebrate the most meaningful day of our personal lives with...baked flour and sugar with candles on top to spit on." sick me out.
  • these assholes. . .they're everywhere when a birthday cake makes an appearance. "Would you like a slice?" ...this is what they ask you. It's bullshit. Don't buy it? Say no next time you're offered a slice of birthday cake. go ahead. say no. say it as nicely as you can. offer the most seemingly acceptable excuse you can think of. see what happens.
  • try asking for "just a small slice." see what happens then. ok i'll tell you what happens. you get a bigger slice just for saying that as punishment.
  • birthday cakes are very popular amongst, say, five year olds. and you celebrate your 50th birthday the same way? with a cake from the grocery store featuring an image of one of your often-neglected hobbies printed on the front with neon food ink?
  • the obligation to sing happy birthday before consumption. no further explanation needed for this one.
  • the bullshit premise that you're supposed to act excited when a birthday cake makes an appearance. "yay hooray a gross cake topped with gross icing!!"
  • the asking of "who wants a piece of cake??!!" as if it's a viable option to say no.
  • 90% of the time the cake is the equivalent of a huge cheap donut from the worst grocery store in the worst part of town you live in.
  • the obligation. you feel like you have to eat a slice, of this crap, because someone is shoving a 1/4 lb. piece in front of your face and acting like they're hooking you up. but in fact they're doing the opposite. they're screwing you over. now you either have to eat the whole gross piece of cake or sketchily sneak off and throw it away.
  • ask yourself. be honest. have you ever. EVER. been like "damn i can't WAIT for a huge slice of birthday cake." if u have, uh, nevermind.
  • the ritual asking of "did everyone get a piece??" at the end. so if you thought you we're weaseling your way into not eating any, forget it. you always get called out. always.

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