Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

are you sorry? or are you sorry you got caught?

this ranks high among the most bullshit questions of all time.

the answer is usually neither. though i haven't heard it in years. i think kids mostly get asked that.

once i got caught smoking a cigarette at summer camp. eight grade era. few counselors came in to interrogate me and a couple other dudes i was with. "well. are you sorry? or are you sorry you got caught?"

ok so i've looked inside my soul and determined i'm not sorry for smoking the cigarette. everyone does that. i'm sorry you guys are so upset about all of this.


Sunday, March 13, 2011

coffee shop food

why does it always have to suck so bad? it's always some form of pound cake in 20 different disguises.

you'd think the clientele of coffee shops would be somewhat health conscious. apparently not.

at starbucks they even tell you how gross it is:

can't read it? it says 'raspberry scone 470 calories'. ew.

'yes i'd like a decaf double macchiato with one splenda and a quarter-pound cupcake' - no.

look don't get me wrong. all that stuff is well and fine sometimes. i just wish coffee shops had another option for food besides birthday cake. bc it's usually in the morning when i'm there and i don't want to start the day off with a box of oreos condensed into a scone shape. occasionally they'll have a few bananas by the register. but only every now and then. when i come across one i call it 'luck'.

Friday, March 4, 2011

just sayin...

you seen this? 'just sayin...' ??

'just sayin...' what? you're not 'just sayin...' anything. you're 'just sayin...' nothing at all.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

waffle fry announcement possibilities

ideas on what could be happening March 4:
  • federal ban on sex with potato products lifted
  • every order of waffle fries comes with 2 valiums and a pair of mittens
  • thanksgiving is repealed/march 4 becomes a holiday instead/declared 'waffle fries day'
  • it is revealed that waffle fries are the keys to heaven and only those who have eaten them are allowed in.
  • low-calorie waffle fries are debuted, regular waffle fries stay on menu with instructions on how to purge them typed on back of packaging (so as to stay thin)
  • obama appoints the first-ever waffle fry to serve in his cabinet
  • waffle fry milkshakes introduced
  • chick fil a announces the next phase in waffle fry history, the belgian waffle fries.

coke bear

Monday, February 21, 2011


was looking for 'friends' posters online and came across this one.

where the hell is phoebe? and monica? chandler?

check out their look. it's like they know the others aren't there. maybe they didn't like them. this poster should read 'real friends'.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

with former presidents washington and lincoln watching over the deal, i felt pretty good about buying this car.

wonder if i can buy a car from this guy?
yep. approved!
so i just sign here and here...
the end.

as promised,

whenever i see "as promised, ______" it always comes across like "ah ha! you thought i was completely full of shit. but i wasn't! see?!"


"as promised, here's the 2 yankees tickets"
"as promised, we will leave wednesday"
"as promised, the party includes free beer"

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

no one says...

  1. i luvs yahoo mail
  2. sweet, protestors
  3. miss doing jumping jacks with you
  4. let's order a pizza bagel
  5. i'm going to scramble 2 eggs and freeze the rest
  6. north dakota 4 life

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Thursday, January 20, 2011

moving forward

reporter: "that is amazing technology. who invented this?"

dude: "i invented it."


Monday, January 17, 2011

just returned a bunch of stuff

to Men's Wearhouse. Everything was ok, it just hit me that I had a two bags of stuff from MEN'S WEARHOUSE.

could you spell that out?

every so often you find yourself having to spell out a word or name to someone so they get it, like "ok so it's B as in boy, E as in elephant" ...etc.

you always hear people say pretty safe stuff. but what if the examples were weird. would the person say anything or just go with it? like say u had to spell out 'crate' ...

"yes it's CRATE . that's as C as in circumcise, R as in retarded, A as in athiest, T as in tinkle, E as in ecstasy."

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

"dude, anyone tell you uh, you look like uh, jesus? like ever before?"

no. never. why would they do that.

besides the look, people tend to either really like me, really dislike me or think i'm probably an alright guy, just not the son of god