Tuesday, December 28, 2010

christmas cards

"...but it was the seasonal exchange of paper bearing images of children, pets and families clad in white shirts and jeans that had the aliens most perplexed."

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I love me some _______!

I love me some pizza!
I love me some Dexter. . .
I love me some Spice Girls.

What the hell does this mean, this "I love me some_____"? Do I even have to say it, that it makes no sense grammatically or otherwise? I could usually care less if something makes sense grammatically, but this is done on purpose for cutesys sake. I know it is. And that's the kicker. Twisting up common words and phrases and sounding silly cute? I thought you guys hated Bush and Palin. In every example of this, the 'me some' part can go. Such as:

I love pizza!
I love Dexter. . .
I love Spice Girls.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


". . .directionless after hearing from Santa that her services would no longer be needed, the reindeer pondered going back to school for an M.B.A."

Saturday, December 11, 2010

a case against birthday cake

birthday cake is such a fail on so many levels. i don't even know if my fingers will last typing them all out.

  • it's a big cheap dessert for several people. and basically pointless and gross.
  • "let's celebrate the most meaningful day of our personal lives with...baked flour and sugar with candles on top to spit on." sick me out.
  • these assholes. . .they're everywhere when a birthday cake makes an appearance. "Would you like a slice?" ...this is what they ask you. It's bullshit. Don't buy it? Say no next time you're offered a slice of birthday cake. go ahead. say no. say it as nicely as you can. offer the most seemingly acceptable excuse you can think of. see what happens.
  • try asking for "just a small slice." see what happens then. ok i'll tell you what happens. you get a bigger slice just for saying that as punishment.
  • birthday cakes are very popular amongst, say, five year olds. and you celebrate your 50th birthday the same way? with a cake from the grocery store featuring an image of one of your often-neglected hobbies printed on the front with neon food ink?
  • the obligation to sing happy birthday before consumption. no further explanation needed for this one.
  • the bullshit premise that you're supposed to act excited when a birthday cake makes an appearance. "yay hooray a gross cake topped with gross icing!!"
  • the asking of "who wants a piece of cake??!!" as if it's a viable option to say no.
  • 90% of the time the cake is the equivalent of a huge cheap donut from the worst grocery store in the worst part of town you live in.
  • the obligation. you feel like you have to eat a slice, of this crap, because someone is shoving a 1/4 lb. piece in front of your face and acting like they're hooking you up. but in fact they're doing the opposite. they're screwing you over. now you either have to eat the whole gross piece of cake or sketchily sneak off and throw it away.
  • ask yourself. be honest. have you ever. EVER. been like "damn i can't WAIT for a huge slice of birthday cake." if u have, uh, nevermind.
  • the ritual asking of "did everyone get a piece??" at the end. so if you thought you we're weaseling your way into not eating any, forget it. you always get called out. always.

Friday, December 10, 2010

disgraced ______

whatever your profession, the goal should be to not wind up being know as "disgraced (insert name of profession)."

mainly it's in case you ever wind up in any kind of news.

"Disgraced postal worker John Smith announced Tuesday that he is now a vegetarian."

"Disgraced pastry chef John Smith declares he has made his last eclair."

"Disgraced Senator John Smith arrested for shoplifting at Big Lots."

"Disgraced taxicab driver John Smith admits ties to Burger King."

"Disgraced policeman John Smith punches his own butt crack."

"Disgraced teacher John Smith continues to be married to his wife despite a recent argument about crab cakes."

"Disgraced quarterback John Smith seen eating at Arby's."

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

pardon my french

or rather, 'i'm sorry i just cussed.' and what, is the french language entirely made up of cuss words? and when the french cuss, are they like 'pardon my english?'

Monday, December 6, 2010

way back when

Once upon a time. . .

At some point at some job I had somewhere, a several girls at work had a version of this conversation:

"So there was this guy that used to work here. I mean he was like SUCH an asshole. You wouldn't believe it. . .I mean he was such a dick."

I said, "What did he do?"

Response: "He like, slept with all the girls at this office. I mean like, he didn't even care. Such an asshole."

After brief pondering, I came to the conclusion that I don't have the option to be that asshole.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

reflex responses

if i had to give you an answer now, like without thinking, like 'gimme an answer now bitch or i'm gonna hit you!', i'd say my favorite seinfeld is the one where kramer keeps putting his clothes in jerry's oven on 325 degrees.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

a new era for written expressions of laughter

just scrolled through facebook. apparently 'hahahaha' has been replaced with 'bahahaha'.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

i infringe

apparently my bumbling around like a jackass has been keeping my landlord up. time to make amends.

(note: you can click the above image and it will become bigger so you can read it. wow!)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

killing me softly

parking tickets. they're like cigarettes you never know which one will be your last.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

mood turns sour after sharpie tries to give business advice

Los Angeles, 3:55pm

A Sharpie marker attempted to give business advice to a Uniball Signo Micro 207 pen today, only to be met with deaf ears.

The unknown pen approached the Sharpie today, complaining that no one knew what it was while virtually everyone was familiar with a Sharpie. The Sharpie suggested that the pen shorten its name, as "Uniball Signo Micro 207" was difficult to remember. The Sharpie went on to suggest that the pen should stand for something besides being just another pen, much like Sharpie took ownership of the permanent black marker market long ago.

Unfortunately, the pen quickly turned itself off from the Sharpie's advice and looked away. "It's just the latest in a string of bad news stories for Uniball Signo Micro 207 shareholders," a research analyst noted. "It's looking like 2011 will be all about Sharpie again."

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

how to double happy birthday someone on facebook

1. write 'happy birthday' on their wall
2. take a nap. when you wake up, write 'happy birthday' on their wall again.

Monday, October 25, 2010

do you know what people are doing when the light turns green these days?

nothing. at all.

they just sit there and drool, thinking about what they like more: curly fries or regular. "mmm. curly ones are so twisty and cool. like a little piggy tail! nom nom nom. but the regular ones are classic! i love the way i can just stick 'em right in my mouth, many at a time! nom nom nom"

honks from other cars or the realization that traffic is moving forward is usually what makes people finally take action. "huh, what? ok jeez people! so rude! people in this city suck. they can't drive. i hate slim fast i just want butter. i wish i could eat a big butter burger while i have to wait on these annoying lights to turn green."

as far as i can tell that's what's going down at green lights these days. it used to be that people moved the car forward. now they just daydream about curly fries and burgers made of butter until a mean person honks reminding them to, you know, go.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

hey miss thang. miss you. LOVE the wedding pics!! phone date soon?

on facebook there are two main ways to communicate with a friend. 1) write on their wall 2) send them a private message. when you write on a wall, everyone sees it. when you privately message, just that one person sees it.

it seems that many people do not understand how this works. let's pretend the subject of this post was a message i wanted to send to a friend. it would make sense to send it as a private message, because it involves only two parties. but people are messing it up and writing such messages on the friend's wall instead.

this doesn't make sense, because now everyone can read it but no one cares because they have no part in the conversation.

i am researching everyday how to help solve this worldwide misunderstanding. your donations are appreciated. it takes time, money and lots of effort to make progress. If you can, send cash, check or money order to:

clay summers
642 pacific St. #3
santa monica, ca 90405

donations can also be made via paypal, message me with details.

thank you so much. god bless.

pizza pretzel

Saturday, October 23, 2010

"we were dying laughing"

no you weren't. if that were true you'd be dead. it may have been a big laugh. but it wasn't fatal.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Sunday, October 17, 2010

keypad fail

if i didn't know any better, i might think the code to my place was a variation of the numbers with the PAINT GONE

Thursday, September 30, 2010

why "R.I.P." sucks

1. it looks like 'rip'.
2. it's unoriginal. in a sucky way. unoriginal can be cool. like 'yo dude' or 'wtf'.
3. it's written on spooky halloween tombstone cookies. and it's said to dead people. how moving.
4. it means nothing. the person is dead. not resting. you should say 'RIP' when someone's about to take a nap.
5. it's supposed to be compassionate. but it's more like 'i acknowledge you're dead'.

HOWEVER, it is funny when it's in reference to a recently destroyed sandwich.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

last day of summer

Today is the last day of summer. But it's nothing to get down about. Didn't get all the poolside time in you wanted this year? That's ok, next summer will be here before you know it. And you can always spend time at indoor pools, like at hotels such as "Embassy Suites."

What was your favorite part about this summer? Was it spending time with your friends? Or enjoying discounts on winter apparel at clothing stores? Maybe your favorite part of this summer was getting a wink from a special someone. One thing I love about every summer is warm weather. Were you born in the summer? If so maybe your birthday was your favorite event. I wasn't born in the summer, but I sure enjoyed a slice of birthday cake here and there from friends with summer birthdays.

Maybe something is bothering you today. Is it something mean you said to someone else, and now you feel bad about it? That's ok, next time you see that person you can explain that you didn't mean it. They will understand and maybe even buy you a small snack. The power of apology is amazing - I have spent half my life apologizing. And I don't mean to brag, but right now I have 22 dollars - in my pocket. Just saying "I'm sorry" won't make money appear - but here's the dirty little secret - neither will not saying it.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Friday, August 27, 2010

this is what it means

It hit me like a ton of sticks today. For the longest time, I've had no idea what I'm talking about. Not anymore.

Mp3 = Moving Picture Experts Group Layer 3
USB = Universal Serial Bus
JPEG = Joint Photographic Experts Group
AT&T = American Telephone and Telegraph

Monday, August 23, 2010

super monday

Ok guys today is Super Monday. What will you do today? What are your plans this week? Don't just sit around like my sister Jane Elliott and gripe about "When is Friday going to get here?" Everyday should be the same, that is, Monday should suck no less than any other day. If it does, do something fun. Eat a pastry. Tell your significant other you think they're cute. Buy a shirt on the sale rack at your favorite store.

The summer is almost over but who cares you can still swim and lay out in the sun all year round. The only difference is the air and water will be colder, but you can do it.

How's your weight? Do you need to shed a few pounds? Or gain a few pounds of muscle? Start thinking today about how that's going to get done. Staying active and awake is half the battle. Almost nothing gets done while you're asleep. When you start making efforts to improve your physical fitness, everything will start to fall in place.

Are you spending too much time on Facebook? That's ok, it happens! Just shut your laptop here and there and drop a note to someone you haven't talked to in a while. They will love it and you can resume looking at people's photos on Facebook!

Don't be bummed that tomorrow is Tuesday and not a weekend day. Tuesday is a great day to catch up on laundry and healthy foods from the grocery store that you will need to fuel your dreams.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

limited stage time

L.A. 80's cover band The Spazmatics challenged me to play Friday night, which I did, with mediocre results.

Friday, August 6, 2010

we are small workers

such bs at panera

ordering a water should not be punished.

look at the size cup you get at panera when you just ask for a water. as you can see, i put my hand next to it for comparison. and i have small hands. that cup is 4, maybe 5 ounces. i would kill that in one sip! no doubt i would, every time. puny little cup, what is that? a cup for a squirrel? do i look like a squirrel? do i have a bushy tail and pounce from tree limb to tree limb? no. duh! look at me! i'm a real person, that cup is ridiculous.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

top 5 madonna songs

in no particular order:

this used to be my playground


ray of light

i'll remember


Sunday, July 25, 2010

new iPhone

The first iPhone debuted January 9, 2007. Today is July 25, 2010, about 3 1/2 years later. I got one. The new one. Of every friend and person I know, my phone is better than theirs. And they can't do anything about it. Because they're stuck in contracts, or recently got the has-been iPhone 3.

Friday, July 23, 2010

today's turnaround pic

Look at this guy. Not only has he successfully lost weight, he's revamped his whole image. Before, he was this out of shape loser in teal swimmy shorts from Land's End (that probably had one of those stupid built in nets for your junk n' butt) reading the Japan Times. Now he's gotten his shit together. He feels great about himself. He's ditched the teal dork shorts for a pair of pink spandex dancepants that say 'SAPPY' on the waistline. His pasty jellygut is replaced with a tanning-bed crisped hardbody. He's put some gel in his hair because he's confident enough to do that now. And he's no longer reading the Japan Times because he realized he was the only person in the U.S. reading that newspaper, which maybe was contributing to his increasing self-isolation problem. The only thing he has as a sober reminder of his past is his necklace. Because when he looks in the mirror, he has to see it and be reminded that unless he stays SAPPY, he could easily be on the fast train back to NoFriendsville from which he came.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

tool in l.a. 7/18/10 review

9/10 stars
One of the world's best bands playing in their hometown earns a 9/10 stars for a tremendous all-around effort.

The good: Sound in venue was amazing. Played in the Nokia Theatre - same place they just had the Espy awards. I felt like how a grandparent feels when they hear a Bose radio for the first time. I had the cheapest seats, didn't matter.
I'll go song by song here:

Third Eye: Opener. Fifteen minutes of 'holy shit I'm glad I'm here, I need to up any sort of talent I have in any aspect of anything, this is the amazing.' Maynard's scream halfway through made my spine shift, vocal effects and all.

Jambi: Probably the worst played song, looking back. But that's like saying which cupcake of a fresh batch of Susanne Deloach's carrot cake cupcakes is the worst.

Ions: This isn't a song. It's just some weird noise thing.

Stinkfist: The crowd pleaser is always fun. No exception here.

Vicarious: Played slower than on the cd. He doesn't sing the part at the end which is the best part. I get why he doesn't do it, but still.

Right in Two: For Tool nerds like me, this was a surprise. Hasn't been being played this tour. Love this song. So I was double happy pants for this.

Schism: Always good. Another crowd pleaser.

Flood: Another one for the Tool nerds. Also hasn't been played this tour. The loudest song of the night. The visuals were really cool of water flooding the place, love it.

Forty Six and Two: a Tool staple. Wasn't expecting to get that giddy, but I got way giddy. I think they were trying to blow the speakers towards the end.

Lateralus: Song is so good I almost hate it. They brought out the drummer from the opening band (band was called Rajas. They sucked bad. But the drummer was good.) Maynard said "could you guys hurry up and finish this drum solo so we can go pick out some hookers?" kinda funny-ish.

Aenema: Best song of the night. I was ok with it being over after that. Sort of. The 'fuck retro anything fuck your tattoos' part was so visceral, he sounded like a machine. Then the 'i'm praying for rain' part he sounds like the angel gabriel or something. So, so good. They 'hey hey heys' at the end were all snakey and creepy, then they basically blew up the stage and I got all freaked out so I just ran back to the car and went to Jack in the Box.

The bad: The fans. Least appealing people ever. Angry, mean smelly guys. Ew. Price to pay I guess to see a band I really like.

The ugly: The fans. Except me of course, I'm so great.

*Trying to be objective here, though this is one of my fav bands. The last time I saw em I'd give em a 6 so this was really nice. Maybe cause they're from L.A. they had a bunch of friends in the audience they were trying to impress.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

my right thumb does everything, unlike my left thumb that just hangs out and doesn't contribute

Everything you read that I type can be attributed to my right thumb. It is responsible for every space, upon which there are thousands. This image may completely disgust you, but look at what's happened. My spacebar has shown actual signs of wear on the right side, while the left side remains pristine. I hereby name my right thumb tappy and my left thumb freeloader.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

In-N-Out Burger review


Overview: A simple menu, clean building and above-par service for a fast food restaurant earn In-N-Out Burger 7 out of 10 stars.

The good: Everything stated above, plus the quality of the food was not bad. And the prices are great. However there is no hiding that it's still a just a fast food restaurant (I know, duh). Upon moving to Los Angeles I heard numerous rave, over the top reviews of this place, so my expectations were pretty high. If you've had a good Steak-n-Shake burger, then you've basically had one of these burgers. I say a 'good' Steak-n-Shake burger because lately that place has proved to be highly inconsistent, and a bad burger (or anything from there) is always a possibility. At this point I'd take an In-N-Out burger over a Steak-N-Shake burger. If it was '98 I'd go with Steak-N-Shake.

The bad: As stated, it's just fast food. The reviews I heard before eating there were so over the top I practically expected Jesus to be behind the counter serving me a blessed burger with a side of holy fries. Like most things that sound too good to be true, it fell short of expectation. The menu, though highly simple (3 combo options), is a little tricky. Apparently there is a 'secret menu' you can research online to customize your order, but I didn't know about it. Also, other little things are unclear (where the hell is a packet of mustard in that place?). And some dude told me I could've gotten my onions grilled if I would've just asked. Thanks, I bet that would've better than the loser raw ones I had.

The ugly: Three-fourths of the people eating in there.

back in action

at benihana in santa monica. this was an especially good trip, as they gave ice cream at the end of the meal.

Friday, July 9, 2010

car w/ car

More scenes from the highways.

It's always wise to ride with a spare tire. It's even wiser to ride with a spare car.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

serenity, envy

You may not be familiar with the two images above, but I am. They calm me, bring me peace. Let's discuss.

The first is the image you get when twitter is over capacity (I don't know what that means. Some sort of glitch.) Now look at that whale. I envy him, and long for his serenity. The message here is "internet is broken/twitter is messed up/utter chaos". But not to the whale. He knows no problems, no ill feelings. He is being carried from his watery home by little birds, who have pooled their efforts to scoop him up with a net. I fancy that net is made of the purest velvet. The whale shuts his eyes, smiles. Thank you. Thank you for this moment. I envy him, everyday.

The second image you may be more familiar with. It is the Lunesta neon butterfly. Lunesta is a sleep aid brand that ran mass amounts of commercials featuring this humble bringer of zen. When I toss and turn at night, or even during the day, tortured by thoughts of uncertainty (what will i have for breakfast? why do people wear crocs? do people talk about me like 'i hate him i hate him!'? will i ever be a homeowner? what's the deal with cats?), I long for this peaceful butterfly to land on my shoulder. It's ok to long.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

old vegas

These are casinos in Las Vegas that got blown up so something else could be built in their place. When a casino gets demolished in Las Vegas, a huge spectacle is made of the event. Thousands show up and there are fireworks and parties. I read that on wikipedia.

Monday, June 28, 2010

big weird rocks i saw in utah

Here's your never-awaited blog post of some guy posting pictures of rocks from his super cool trip out west.